Help!

So I am super stuck in a big ol' rut. I lead the lamest of lives and it is pretty sad to me that I get overly excited about something that is on TV tonight or the Olive Garden. I think that it is good that I can find joy in simple things, but seriously? It's not just that either. I am pretty sure that I am gaining weight which is the opposite of what I would like to be doing and, oh ya, I'm pretty sure my life is going nowhere.
I think sometimes I am a little too hard on myself but it seems like everyone is so certain as to who they are and what they are going to be when they grow up, because we are grown up. I still have no clue what I want to do though. It's something I struggle with everyday and I can never come up with anything other than I don't know. I think that I might want to be a high school teacher but I am scared to death that I won't be good at it. There are also a million other things I would like to do but have no idea how to get there. Sometimes I think I settled on teaching because it seems easy. (Which I'm sure it's not.)
I would really like a life coach. Someone to tell me look, this is what you are going to do, this is what you are going to eat, this is what kind of exercise you need to do to lose weight. I don't like to be told what to do but something has to change because what I'm doing now doesn't really seem to be working.